I am so proud of my son Ryan. And I’m excited to share this story today about acceptance, love and how I shifted my thinking and understanding.
It was such a beautiful day, I dreamed about it for so long. The day had finally arrived, the day my son would graduate from high school.
I had pictured this moment in my head a thousand times. I even went to the football stadium at his high school 2 years ago at dusk, and I climbed the bleachers and I sat there picturing him laughing with friends and throwing that cap in the air.
It’s been a long road for him, and it has not been easy.
On his graduation day, his cap and gown were all ready to go, and he had been to the rehearsal in the morning.
Everything was in place and then something happened that I wasn’t expecting.
He came down the stairs and he just looked at me and said,
“Mom, I can’t do it”.
I remember standing there looking at him, in total disbelief about what he had said. But I thought,
“Of course he will go, he has been talking about this for so long. He went to the rehearsal.”
I realized in that moment that I had a choice.
I could either get really upset and basically force him to go. (That would not be easy, to force a 6-foot 18-year-old adult to get in the car and go to graduation… and it sounds funny to me to even say it).
Another option would be to try to “guilt” him into going. (Yup! I went there.)
I could let him know how much we had all been waiting for this day, how much it means to me, and how disappointing it would be to miss this opportunity.
But I realized that this is an old pattern, and it was time for me to let this old way of thinking go.
This was about letting my son BE HIMSELF!
I literally had no idea what to do, so I decided to do absolutely NOTHING.
At first I told myself that I must call on everything I have learned about in ACIM so far.
I reminded myself that I have had all of this amazing training, and I practice and I live and breathe this stuff every single day.
I grabbed my course book and started looking for a workbook lesson that would “save me”, something that would make all of this sadness and disappointment make sense.
I thought Lesson 138 could be the perfect one that I was meant to hear.
“Heaven Is the Decision I Must Make”.
That one seemed to fit just right.
Well, it turns out that did not work at all! I had one of the moments I have heard many others talk about. One of those moments when they rip up their course book and make a decision that it’s all so stupid and crazy and it really makes no sense at all.
Heaven is a decision I must make…what a joke! This feels like HELL!
I felt there was no heaven to be chosen in this moment. I felt completely robbed of my moment of seeing my son having his moment.
So instead of trying to see it differently, I chose to just embrace it for exactly what it was, pure sadness. I decided to let myself have the night to wallow in it. I decided to let every feeling come through, and every tear.
In other words, I decided just to feel it, all of it, to let it come over me like a wave.
It was pretty brutal at times. Especially when I pictured all those other families celebrating this moment with their graduates. I thought,
“They are so lucky. Everything for them is so normal, their kid WANTS to go to graduation. What kid doesn’t want to go to graduation?”
While I was going through all of this, I wanted to hide how I was feeling from my son. Whenever I heard him coming down the stairs, I would wipe me tears and put on my “game face” and act like everything was just fine, but inside I was really sad and I felt like I just wanted to run away from all of it.
At one point my son said that he got do exactly what he wanted to do that day… to hang out with his friends at the rehearsal, and go eat lunch together. He was happy and relieved with his decision not go to the ceremony.
This time that I took was the best thing I could have ever done. I honored the pain but did not get lost in it. I did not let it push me back down into all of my stories of victimhood.
I let myself have that night, and by the next morning the pain had dissolved.
It was like all the sting had gone out of it. I don’t believe this could have happened so easily if I didn’t let myself go through those feelings.
When we deny our feelings and push them away and say they are not real, another opportunity will be right around the corner to go through this process. I feel it is best to embrace it in that moment and not try to be spiritual AT ALL!
Put it all on the altar, give it to God and Just HONOR it.
I found a particularly helpful workbook lesson in all of this. It was Lesson 190 –
“I choose the joy of God instead of pain.”
It says pain is a sign illusions reign in place of truth and it is your thoughts alone that can cause you pain.
The course for me really allows me to “reframe” my thoughts and bring me back to the truth.
It’s not actually painful that my son did not participate in a ceremony, it is simply my thoughts about what I think that means that cause me pain.
I really wanted my son to graduate, especially because so many people said it would never happen. I always knew deep in my heart that he could do it.
I had made a decision, even when nobody else thought that he could do it. I had even thoughts at times that he could not do it. But when I changed my mind, when I made that decision that he will do it and that it all would be just fine… everything changed.
The belief was there; the intention was there.
And this is all it takes!
All it takes is a decision, a decision to see things differently.
But the most important lesson that I learned during all of this and what I want to share with you is that we cannot be attached to the outcome of things.
When we learn to trust in God completely, then exactly what comes is really perfect for us in that moment. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
My son really did graduate from high school! He did it! He has a job now, he just got his driver’s license, and he has a truck. I mean this is AMAZING!
The form it took is different from how I imagined it, and this is where I have gained the most insight.
I have really started coming to a place where all I want is the Peace of God in every single moment. If I hit a bump and it feels like there’s some kind of big problem, I’ve stopped trying to FIX IT, and I allow the unfolding to happen.
I would love to hear how you have made the decision to move from pain to joy in your life, because your “shift story” will inspire others. Please share your comments below.